Dear CHUDs.
This is what “based anti-woke” media looks like. Go watch your chudslop Hallmark garbage and shut the fuck up.
But it’s boring and terrible! I want good media without any of the politics or empathy or any of the other stuff that makes media actually good!
I assume at least some of them actually like this crap, because it keeps getting made.
Twas the white before Christmas and all through the house, not a cracker was stirring not even a mouse.
TwaSS the ₩hit€ before KKKhriSStmaSS and a££ through the houSSe, not a KKKracKKKer ₩aSS SStirring, not even a mouSSe.
ThanKKK you.
Stirring mousse, you say?
I mean it kinda is
They all kinda are, aren’t they?
Allow me to “yes, and” you here and say that their occasional inclusion of gay couples, ethnic minority couples, and interracial couples only serve to reinforce the hegemonic whiteness and heteronormative patriarchal narratives.
Hallmark execs had a meeting.
Exec 1: “It’s too soon.”
Exec 2:“Are ya sure?”
Exec 1: “Yeah. Next year maybe. Probably?”
Dejectedly - Exec 2 puts the draft of his 14 words movie into the trash.
Hallmark releases a new Christmas movie each day of December before Christmas. They already announced that they have 24 new Christmas movies made that they are going to air this year. There’s hundreds of these movies.
wow fuck all that
Hallmark style movies are always uncanny as hell. They always look super fake.
Many years ago I watched a couple. After I watched the first one and it was awful - I thought I’d try just one more time. The movies are basically a hour(s) long version of a soap opera. They don’t just feel cheap - everything is wonky or barely serviceable: the plot, the story arcs, the direction, the actors, the photography, the music, even details like the set design. It’s uncanny. It’s as if there’s a rule that nobody is allowed to do a good job.
“Mike! What are we gonna do! They’ll think we [killed that guy / ruined Thanksgiving / forgot grammy’s birthday / lost the ancient amulet]!”
“I got a plan, Jessica.”
“No, you don’t!”
“Yes, I do!”
“No, you don’t! What is it?!”
“Hold on. I’m thinking…”
[Cue another cheesy flashback with even worse lame jokes.]
If Hallmark wanted to do something really funny, they’d air one of these movies as normal, only to have it transform into Lovecraftian horror as the film descends into madness. What looks like filming/continuity mistakes are actually deliberate as they begin to happen more and more frequently. The characters (typical Hallmark Channel characters) begin to realize Christmas isn’t coming as reality becomes unstable. Soon they find themselves shopping for the coming apocalypse. A shadow descends upon the town, a God older than time itself, now awake to punish them for their worship of false idols.
The screen fades to black as the screaming starts, then the Hallmark Channel goes off the air permanently after thanking its viewers for being part of the experiment. Re-runs of Looney Toons begins to play 24/7, 365 with no commercial breaks the following day starting at 5 AM.
deleted by creator
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
I don’t understand these. Who are they for? The only people who seem to watch them are youtubers writing video essays about how nonsensical and vaguely fascist they are.
My mom lol
Mine too -_-"
At least it gets her away from the Cold War spy slop she likes to watch. But yeah, Hallmark movies are to moms as isekai harem slop is to sons. Except I don’t watch isekai harem slop.
I googled. I did not put “holiday” into my google search but google gave me holiday results anyway. I scanned page after page and the “why” was pretty fucking thin. Articles made tautologies. People like happy stories! People like escapism! People love Christmas! Basically - people like the movies because they like them! One guy simply asked his friends who like Hallimark movies. That was very lazy but that was the best answer I got.
A mashup off the net vvv
The Hallmark Channel’s target audience is women between ages 18 to 34, though Zammarelli says the average age of viewers lands in the late-40s to early 50s. He adds that people watch these movies because they love love — no matter how unrealistic the depiction. The films also allow for escapism as people take an hour and a half away from the busy and stressful holiday season.
I absolutely love Hallmark movies because they’re aspirational (who doesn’t want to believe that, after everything goes wrong for the lead characters, it’s possible for everything to work out perfectly for them!?), they’re immersive, they’re comfy and safe but still exciting to watch, they’re filmed in gorgeous locations, and they’re familiar but still interesting.
The reasoning behind Hallmark’s fanatical devotion to the holidays is simple: their Christmas movies typically cost less than 800,000 dollars to make, and each movie’s entire production cycle usually only takes around three months. Not only are Hallmark movies quick and cheap to make, but they are also extremely profitable and are practically guaranteed to rack up millions of views.
According to a press release, the Hallmark Channel ended 2020 as the most-watched entertainment cable network in the fourth quarter of the year and ranked second for the whole year.
“I don’t think they’re actually ‘good’ by regular movie or story standards, but they’re fun enough to watch that it doesn’t really matter,” Khado Tsephel ’23 said. “The plots are pretty simple and entertaining, plus they have a nostalgic feel that makes them fun to watch.”
In another comment I said that Hallmark-type movies are basically the movie version of a soap opera. I’m tooting my own horn but I like my answer best - so far.
-–
Rant
The first result I got was a Reddit thread - yay. But then I saw this - boo!..
According to Grok:
Good investigation, even if it was “lazy” it was still more effort than I put in. I suppose it makes sense they have a niche, cheap movies with a generic “feel good” sort of vibe are probably popular with a particular sort of person who hates being challenged. Plus they are probably a very non-controversial choice for a movie to watch during the holidays, which is why they have so many christmas movies I guess.
Wonder if they’ll increase as material conditions deteriorate (for all but the rich) and people who don’t take drugs look for the barest hint of dopamine.
They’re apparently very popular in rural midwestern households and the flyover states.
- : “I want all my vidya and movies to look just like Hallmark Christmas movies but with big anime booba!”
: “I want a Dragon Ball Christmas special and I want Goku to save Christmas!”
I love these movies, the stupider the better. In one (Roped?), the hunk guy races the old boyfriend but instead of a ford f150, he brought a horse! He of course wins and the now ex boyfriend disappears from the plot entirely. Peak cinema. If you know some more, drop em, I’ll watch em.
I love the Christmas Prince movies because instead of making up a tiny european country like Lichtenstein or San Marino, they invent an alternative history with a Holy Roman Empire sized monstrosity called Aldovia arising from the Balkans and heading North, along with a giant Baltic/Belarusian/other countries kingdom and a Chinese kingdom in the caucuses.
Edit: all of Eurasian history would be different! From the Mongols to the reformation to WW2!
Genuinely shocked they didn’t just do nobility from terf island
I’ve gotta respect the commitment to the stupidity
The uncoloured parts implies that there are places in Europe that are still tribal non-state regions
For context it’s stated the map is old, I think medieval or early modern. But all three nations shown exist in the film and spinoffs. Even if they lost significant territory, it’s still a crazy detour for history.
The Penglians have South East Asian actors and Chinese sounding names with no explanation.
Imagining this as a gay romance actually makes it very good
I’ve seen part of at least one gay romance Hallmark movie, so I know they exist
obligatory
relevant episodethis one looks like it might be good https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2441808/
runtime: 88 minutes
Close! Runtime 1h 24m(84 min)
so what happens after christmas?
Wleft After Christmas
Is that Logan from Gilmore Girls?
No Logan from Gilmore Girls is played by Matt Czuchry. This is Chad Michael Murray, who was Tristan on Gilmore Girls (in season one he was at Chilton and tried to take Rory on a date to see PJ Harvey).
Oh it’s Lucas from One Tree Hill.
Yeah and the lady in this is Torrey DeVitto, if you know One Tree Hill, she plays Nannie Carrie in one of the adult season (she kidnaps Nathan and Haley’s kid)
Oh shiii
