Many years ago I watched a couple. After I watched the first one and it was awful - I thought I’d try just one more time. The movies are basically a hour(s) long version of a soap opera. They don’t just feel cheap - everything is wonky or barely serviceable: the plot, the story arcs, the direction, the actors, the photography, the music, even details like the set design. It’s uncanny. It’s as if there’s a rule that nobody is allowed to do a good job.
“Mike! What are we gonna do! They’ll think we [killed that guy / ruined Thanksgiving / forgot grammy’s birthday / lost the ancient amulet]!”
“I got a plan, Jessica.”
“No, you don’t!”
“Yes, I do!”
“No, you don’t! What is it?!”
“Hold on. I’m thinking…”
[Cue another cheesy flashback with even worse lame jokes.]
If Hallmark wanted to do something really funny, they’d air one of these movies as normal, only to have it transform into Lovecraftian horror as the film descends into madness. What looks like filming/continuity mistakes are actually deliberate as they begin to happen more and more frequently. The characters (typical Hallmark Channel characters) begin to realize Christmas isn’t coming as reality becomes unstable. Soon they find themselves shopping for the coming apocalypse. A shadow descends upon the town, a God older than time itself, now awake to punish them for their worship of false idols.
The screen fades to black as the screaming starts, then the Hallmark Channel goes off the air permanently after thanking its viewers for being part of the experiment. Re-runs of Looney Toons begins to play 24/7, 365 with no commercial breaks the following day starting at 5 AM.
Hallmark style movies are always uncanny as hell. They always look super fake.
Many years ago I watched a couple. After I watched the first one and it was awful - I thought I’d try just one more time. The movies are basically a hour(s) long version of a soap opera. They don’t just feel cheap - everything is wonky or barely serviceable: the plot, the story arcs, the direction, the actors, the photography, the music, even details like the set design. It’s uncanny. It’s as if there’s a rule that nobody is allowed to do a good job.
“Mike! What are we gonna do! They’ll think we [killed that guy / ruined Thanksgiving / forgot grammy’s birthday / lost the ancient amulet]!”
“I got a plan, Jessica.”
“No, you don’t!”
“Yes, I do!”
“No, you don’t! What is it?!”
“Hold on. I’m thinking…”
[Cue another cheesy flashback with even worse lame jokes.]
If Hallmark wanted to do something really funny, they’d air one of these movies as normal, only to have it transform into Lovecraftian horror as the film descends into madness. What looks like filming/continuity mistakes are actually deliberate as they begin to happen more and more frequently. The characters (typical Hallmark Channel characters) begin to realize Christmas isn’t coming as reality becomes unstable. Soon they find themselves shopping for the coming apocalypse. A shadow descends upon the town, a God older than time itself, now awake to punish them for their worship of false idols.
The screen fades to black as the screaming starts, then the Hallmark Channel goes off the air permanently after thanking its viewers for being part of the experiment. Re-runs of Looney Toons begins to play 24/7, 365 with no commercial breaks the following day starting at 5 AM.
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