• peoplebeproblems@midwest.socialEnglish
    1631·
    9 days ago

    On a serious note, having been that guy, this is the worst experience ever.

    15 years of slowly being convinced being who I was, was wrong. 15 years of being told she was normal, what I wanted wasn’t. 15 years of isolation. 15 years brainwashing. 15 years of ever building self doubt.

    Then she cheated on me.

    Somehow I haven’t been in grippy socks yet. Pretty fucking close though with the outpatient stuff I do. Been on one date with someone else.

    Edit: A greentext post of all places to get this wonderful support. 🥲

    • untorquer@lemmy.world
      40·
      10 days ago

      I was in it for 5 years. I wouldn’t have made it another decade. Glad you’re on the other side. I hope you can find your emotions, the ones that you have somewhere inside that really care for you in a way you haven’t felt all this time.

      Also therapy if you can afford it and find one that clicks with you. It’s frustratingly helpful in that it doesn’t feel like you’re doing much but the reinforcement and structure is everything.

      And definitely more dates!

      • peoplebeproblems@midwest.socialEnglish
        1·
        9 days ago

        I’m doing some particularly frequent therapy at the moment. Medication management, occupational stuff.

        So far I’ve only met one person on the apps. So I’m working on finding stuff to go to to meet more people. It’s a small city, so kind of limited. Can’t move because of a kid. That makes it way harder to date too.

        But one thing I’m trying to remind myself - I’ll be in my 40s when my son is 18. I figure I can probably really safely leave him at home way before that. So maybe in 5 years or so. I had a teacher in his 50’s marry another teacher in her late 20s (and they are still together 15 years later) so I’d say there’s still time.

        • untorquer@lemmy.world
          4·
          9 days ago

          Nice!

          Yeah, and additionally, meeting other parents around school events can be good. There’s lots of time. Seems like you’re making the right moves. Best of luck!!!

        • untorquer@lemmy.world
          2·
          8 days ago

          You can be blind to the problems you’re facing for a long time. For me it was a combination of her perpetuating abusive behaviors from her youth and me not understanding boundaries and my own avoidance. Outside of that it was right around 2020 so i had a lot of distractions and instability. It took me a long time to realize that the relationship had these problems.

          My point is that taking so long to end it had to do with anything except a relationship being a requirement. I do want to be in a relationship but for intimacy, solidarity, vulnerability, company etc… The status doesn’t play into it at all.

          If those don’t make sense to you then that’s just as normal. If you’re confused by them then look into aromanticism.

          • WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.todayEnglish
            0·
            8 days ago

            Nah, I have been AeroAce for a long time, I realized that I can’t really depend on other people, and that outside opinions don’t really matter.

            I have notes specifically for what I think I did wrong, and will ask others as needed. Otherwise, time and energy are the only real limits.

            EDIT: Specifically, I’m not AeroAce, I just see it as selfish desire that I’m not entitled to.

    • Owl@mander.xyz
      28·
      10 days ago

      Been on one date with someone else.

      Congrats ! 🎉

      Each step, however small it may seem, away from this abusive person is a great one

    • Kaerkob@lemmy.world
      19·
      10 days ago

      There is a name for it: Narcissistic Abuse. Keep going, you’ll make it through. It gets better.

    • joelfromaus@aussie.zoneEnglish
      2·
      9 days ago

      Could literally be me but 10 years instead of 15. I hope you’re doing so much better now and that many positive things come your way.

    • Dave@lemmy.nz
      19·
      9 days ago

      Yeah but the advertisers don’t want to be associated with that language so he’s gotta censor it.

  • roscoe@lemmy.dbzer0.com
    49·
    10 days ago

    Meanwhile, my wife enables my executive dysfunction, saying things like “oh, just do it tomorrow.” I have to explain to her, if I don’t do it now, it won’t get done for a month. Saying it out loud like that seems to give me the motivation to do it now.

    • Evil_Shrubbery@thelemmy.club
      4·
      9 days ago

      Hope this works for you for a long time.
      Tho it’s good that your wife understands the mechanics behind it.

      (Or maybe she already does and you maybe sometimes need the ‘tomorrow’ & she is looking out for you/managing your dysfunction better than you might think?)

      • roscoe@lemmy.dbzer0.com
        4·
        8 days ago

        Not wanting to be a lazy shit that lets her do all the housework is 99% of my motivation. But when I get the motivation to do the dishes it has to be now or it’ll be never.

        • Evil_Shrubbery@thelemmy.club
          3·
          9 days ago

          Omg I get that so much.
          Also it’s a motivation that doesn’t “get old” on it’s own (other circumstances would have to change).

          Nice!

  • Tonava@sopuli.xyz
    503·
    10 days ago

    There’s certain common patterns this dynamic seems to take:

    • They end up in that type of traditional marriage for fifty years where the wife controls absolutely everything and the man throws around jokes about ball and chain. This ends when either one dies; if the man dies first, the wife will live happily for another ten years, but if the wife dies first, the man follows soon
    • The man loses all sights of himself and becomes a passive and meek “yes, dear” -man, and then the girlfriend (or wife if they managed to get married) eventually gets bored since the project car isn’t fun anymore, and cheats or just straight up leaves him. This pattern might also involve straight up domestic violence where the man is too embarrassed and scared to seek help
    • The girlfriend (or wife again) gets tired of taking care of a manchild instead of having an equal partner, and leaves. This happens especially if they have children and the wife realizes it’s actually easier to take care of the children alone. Often the man also ends up whining about how he doesn’t understand what he did wrong, and thought everything was going so well
  • Kn1ghtDigital@lemmy.zip
    39·
    10 days ago

    Don’t look for the easy way out of your own maturity. Nobody can tell you who you are better than you. Look for someone who wants to build you up, not control you.

  • Fizz@lemmy.nzEnglish
    38·
    10 days ago

    Having a partner in life makes a huge difference to motivation. I dont really agree with this idea of them leveraging things to force you to act that sounds like a living hell. These things should come naturally as you desire being the best version of yourself for your partner.

    • blockheadjt@sh.itjust.works
      231·
      10 days ago

      There are different styles of crossing your legs. If you put one knee over the other, that style is often seen as feminine. Compare this with putting one ankle over the other knee (so the top leg is roughly flat) and that is seen as the masculine way.

      I do both. Which one depends on the situation.

      • peoplebeproblems@midwest.socialEnglish
        20·
        10 days ago

        Lmfao what

        One knee over the other is feminine? That’s fucking wild because I do it, my brother does it, my dad does it and my mom doesn’t.

        Guess I better start wearing a kilt and “sitting like a real man” lmfao

        • DrDystopia@lemy.lolEnglish
          101·
          10 days ago

          If projecting an air of masculinity is important to you, perhaps? There’s a lot of subtleties that we socially and often unnoticed project, just ask the trans community.

        • Instigate@aussie.zone
          1·
          9 days ago

          It’s ridiculous and stupid, I know, but it comes from some pretty basic biology.

          Depending upon size/thickness of a person’s thighs, it can be pretty impossible to put one knee over the other without squishing your dick and balls either on top of your legs or tucked underneath them. Wearing tight brief-style underwear, this can lead to situations where someone tries to cross their legs like this and inadvertently squishes their balls - a pretty uncomfortable circumstance in my own experience. Thus people with male genitalia (usually men) tend to prefer to cross their legs with the ankle over the knee to allow their genitals to ‘breathe’ and not be all squished up.

          People with vaginas (usually women) in Western societies are also far more likely to wear skirts or dresses. In order to prevent someone having a peek at their underwear (or lack thereof) while wearing a skirt/dresses and sitting, these people are more likely to put one knee over the other.

          Again, attempting to measure masculinity or femininity by this one preference is utterly stupid, but there are reasons why this behavioural pattern has become commonplace in Western societies. I (cis man) tend to do both in different circumstances; usually dependent upon weather, underwear and outer clothing I’m wearing.

          • peoplebeproblems@midwest.socialEnglish
            1·
            9 days ago

            I guess I can’t stand briefs because I need the extra room. So when I cross my legs, junk just falls as it should and no squish.

            Plus if I do the ankle cross my foot always falls asleep. That’s typically a better way to make a fool of myself.

      • prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone
        7·
        10 days ago

        Imagine being so insecure that you are worried about how you cross your legs when you sit. People are so fucking weird

      • LittleBorat3@lemmy.world
        1·
        9 days ago

        I am always cowboy style, could not fathom sitting like I wear a skirt.

        The real reason it’s my stuff gets upside down and it’s too warm in the pants woman style.