For starters, I’m a 20-year-old man. My family is very Christian, so I am traditional and I have never met a gay family member. If it was, and I’m sure it was, it was never talked about.
Well, when I was 15, I met Greg, the same guy who made me realize I was bisexual when he introduced me to be my boyfriend.
Because of my internalized homophobia, this relationship is over. I have had and still have many mental problems that make me feel bad. I was mean to others, I pushed them away. I would get attached to them and then I would find out that they are bad.
Greg was one of my attachments. Now that I’m 20, I’m attached to him again, but I’ve been very rude to him, so I’m sure he doesn’t like me, even though he used to have feelings for me. I told him I hated him, I pushed him, shouted at him. Am I a bad person? :(
This almost sounds like BPD-type behavior. There’s nothing about mental illness that makes you a bad human being, but you should still seek treatment.
This. To quote my favorite podcaster: mental illness isn’t your fault, but it IS your responsibility. Recognizing that you did wrong is an important first step, but you should definitely seek professional help and treatment if able.
As someone with BPD, I immediately had the same thought. OP: if possible, seek professional help.
Eh, you don’t seem like a bad person. Bad people don’t feel bad for the bad things they do. Being gay or bi has nothing to do with this, so why bother mentioning the fact? If you genuinely feel that you have a mental disorder then you need to see a doctor and get recommendations for either medication or therapy to learn coping skills for your issues. Simple as that. You already made the first step by admitting that you may have a problem. Next step is to get the help you need to be able to obtain and sustain a happy, healthy mind. Good luck, buddy.
Being gay or bi has nothing to do with this, so why bother mentioning the fact?
I wouldn’t go that far, I think it’s a very relevant detail for OP’s situation.
Internalized homophobia is a real and unfortunate phenomenon for people who grew up in restrictive environments, and it can result in a lot of self-hatred and mental distress, including diagnosable disorders.
And the worst part about it is the shame some people feel about the whole thing might have them feeling that talking to a doctor or therapist is simply not an option, as they are not prepared to be “out” to others, even under the protection of medical confidentiality. The very idea of being out can be internalized as a failure, especially if it would burn bridges with bigoted family members (which is easy to say from the outside looking in that bigots aren’t worth your time anyways, but not so easy when that is your entire support network and every happy memory you had since childhood).
It’s definitely not simple, at any rate.
You say you have mental illness. That might be so, I don’t know. But I will say that everybody, even people without mental illness, make mistakes like you described, especially at your age.
Everybody has dark and light inside of them. Being aware of this and being concerned when you make mistakes is usually a good sign that you’re not a bad person. Try not to compare yourself to other people. Compare yourself to your past self. Keep improving and try to make fewer mistakes. But don’t punish yourself too severely for making mistakes. Just keep trying to do better.
You are in a very messy, very confusing stage of life. You will make many, MANY mistakes and piss some people off. I’m twenty-26, and I still make mistakes.
You’ll start to understand what makes you who you want to be, and stop listening to all you’ve been told. You rebuild yourself out of your life experiences. Constantly. Forever.
You’re human. Not perfect. None are. What matters is what you do next.
As was said above, no one who questions their actions or who admits their need for mental health support is all bad. It’s the people who strategically, purposefully manipulate people with no regard for their well-being who are bad. The people who pathologically lie, cheat, steal, and remorselessly exploit others who are bad.
If you have the means, get assessed. Take no diagnoses from the Internet or people on message boards.
If you have the means, apologize, and commit yourself to treating Greg better or even neutrally. He doesn’t have to accept your apology. You have to make your peace with that. Also, he introduced you as a “boyfriend.” You had a reaction to that. You’re allowed. Again, it’s all about what you do next.
I am OP, the translator is wrong. It’s supposed to say “introduced me to who would become my boyfriend”
Ah. Ok. Well, the rest stands. And, hopefully, you’re able to smooth things with Greg.
Not sure BUT you’ll need to process the guilt of your treatment of him. That guilt will weigh on you. It can become an excuse to leave people behind, to “spare them from you” etc which is really just more unfair treatment. Please deal with the guilt. Talk to someone, or start looking into self help
