EDIT: ESH. I’ve been an asshole without realising it, and my friends really weren’t open about the drama until very recently. I was right, though–I’m terrible at explaining myself. We agree drugs aren’t a problem for me, but I should keep discussion light. Kairos–there is a time and a place for everything.
(My app doesn’t allow marking posts as NSFW. I don’t know whether this should be considered NSFW or not, but I can’t mark it anyway. I’ll sign in on desktop later, if need be. An admin can also do the courtesy of marking it for me. Thank you, regardless.)
Sorry if this is all a little disorganised.
2025 has been a good year for me, despite everything. I’ve made my first attempts to meet new people, thanks to guidance from people on this very platform, and things are finally looking up. I feel productive and somewhat healthy. I feel like I’m in a position to help others, even though things look bleak for all of us.
Except for one problem.
I use drugs more than any of my friends. I’m the only one who’s done DXM, for instance, and I constantly read about new things to try. I’d do opium, even, given the chance. So, that’s the problem, then. I do drugs.
No. No, it isn’t, actually.
The actual problem is that I put so much effort into research, so much effort into considering what’s actually safe to use, so much effort into making sure I don’t overuse them, so much effort into considering doses, so much effort to make sure it doesn’t impact others negatively, so much effort. That’s despite their history of being upset towards me, and nobody cares. My friends constantly pester me for taking a “dark path”, and every argument I make to try to object to that results in me being called some form of disabled, or immature, or stupid. One outlier online even called me multiple slurs, claiming my actual mental disorders are also completely fake.
Here’s a good question that should be pretty easy to answer. Which one’s hurting me more? The drugs, or the people? Because the problem certainly isn’t the one that actually keeps me in a good, level-headed, sane headspace, that I use with care–and absolutely the one causing me all this mental turmoil in the first place.
Drugs are a human right. I have a right to determine what goes in my body, and I’ve been exceptionally careful, thanks to the help I was never given. I helped myself. I was suicidal, I pursued DIY psychedelic therapy, and now I find myself on a journey that I couldn’t be happier with.
Yet none of that is enough.
Perhaps more science than I’ve provided already will be enough. Maybe the two week break I’m on will satisfy them. Maybe I should spell it out–their drugphobia, and unwillingness to accept different viewpoints, or consider my history, strongly mirrors homophobia and transphobia.
Let me make a point. They all drink alcohol. Alcohol is more addictive, and harmful to the user and others (in the form of drunk driving), and is considerably more dangerous than heroin. Yet, they’ll criticise me for using poppers, despite the fact that poppers are considered safer, according to Drug Science, than any other drug they looked in to. That’s safer than magic mushrooms, possibly the safest drug in existence, arguably. It’s the most widely accepted risk index in the world. Mind you, some of these friends have also used nicotine, too. Also far more dangerous than what I do. I have as well, of course, but I’m considering not using nicotine or alcoholic products ever, not even on occasion. That’s in contrast to them. Alcohol hurts the body, and drinking less simply slows the process. None of the drugs I use have such a long-term negative effect.
I’m also the only one that estimates my BAC with a calculator every time, but whatever. Thanks for that suggestion, S.
They have no right to criticise me for the very same thing they do on a regular basis. We even smoke weed, and nobody has a problem with it. Probably because it’s not taboo enough… anymore.
It’s hypocrisy, because I’ve actually been safer than them, despite using a wider variety of substances.
I have a small handful of people who’ve been actually supportive, including someone I had just met. They applaud me for the effort I’ve put in to stay safe, and I’m glad to have those kind of people in my life. Some of them have been through incredibly rough patches (it seems like these types are the few with empathy, anymore). Some of them are just open minded. Regardless of their background, though, it’s clear that they’re far more empathetic than some of the people in my primary friend group.
I’m angry, and it’s caused by the very people claiming to “help” me. They aren’t helping. They’re outright berating and slandering me, and at this point, I’m considering simply dropping them. However, I’m a productive person, and simply walking away from my problems is unacceptable by my standards. There’s a peaceful resolution to this, and I intend to find it.
I’m not wrong, am I? As much as I’ve been gaslit over the years, I still think I can see through it all–through all the self doubt, all the people who claimed I’d never be enough. Despite all of that, I’m not suicidal, or even depressed.
So please tell me I’m right. Thanks for reading all this, if you did.
Haha, you are right and you know it. You need validation, and you’ll get it here.
I think you might be neurodivergent, but your friends are not. You’re an independent thinker , quite logical, & you stick to your principles. You have to have it right. Self doubt & seeing through bullshit are also giveaways.
Drug use is reasonable because you can reason so. Those who arrived at ‘drugs bad’ arrived because of social conditioning, not because they reasoned into that position. Therefore, you can’t reason them out of that position.
Stop trying to convince your ‘friends’ and do what your independent intelligence & gut instincts tell you.
Yeah, this isn’t an “am I the asshole?” post. I’m also fully aware I’m neurodivergent. I avoid medication, though, for obvious reasons. I’ve found other solutions that don’t involve dependence, which is why I’m grateful to have gone on this side quest.
I’m honestly bad at arguing. It might be a reason they distrust me. I often respond progressively angrier over time, which stems from a long history of finding myself in the wrong spaces, justifying myself to people who simply do not care.
I’ve become extremely defensive because of it.
The only thing that matters is that I’m not suicidal, depressed, or even addicted–in the face of a hard life, a world bordering on collapse, and other internal issues like gender dysphoria and plurality. By all means, I’m strong as fuck, and I use that maturity to stand for people who aren’t so fortunate.
Even if they never agree, my actions will always be a better judge of character.
Your anger & defensiveness are understandable & valid. I’ve come to accept that I can’t convince most neurotypical people of jack shit because they are too hard wired into their individual and lack self-awareness / intelligence / will / curiosity to see things clearly. And they have no issue attacking your character if you question their opinion or ask them to reflect / reason.
I would worry about a friend doing drugs, except occasional psychedelics. I wouldn’t insult them, but I would worry. And even the psychedelics I would worry about the legal risk here. And would honestly worry about your obsessive approach to them.
I would also worry about anyone drinking too much.
Your friends are wrong, it’s counterproductive to insult or demean you for the drug use, it is both rude and unhelpful. Even if they aren’t wrong to worry about you, it is your life to live, and you aren’t hurting anyone else, they could calmly explain whatever their worries are and leave it at that.
Am I doing a large volume of new drugs in a short period of time? Yes, I just turned 21. Am I doing a large volume of drugs in a short period of time, though? No. They should be worried, but they should also stop shooting me down as soon as I open my mouth. I’m adhering to even stronger safety precautions than I have in the past.
Let’s be fair to them, though. For some perspective, here’s what I’ve done recently, and people can judge whether I’m doing too much or not:
Salvia Divinorum - Snake oil. Genuinely. Legal in some places. I’m making a tier list, and this one sits in a tier exclusive to “absolute perfection”. This controversial herb has somehow become the most positive substance I’ve ever encountered. Its effect profile somehow resonates perfectly with me. It’s safe to use frequently, unlike all other psychedelics, it has a weird mechanism of action, and it has a reverse tolerance–it gets stronger with use, albeit slowly. When vaped, effects fade in minutes, meaning you’re never in for a long nightmare… until breakthrough doses. We’ll get there–and not from a lack of trying already. You can also quid the leaves for a longer duration, like psilocybin, but a little shorter, more dissociative, less visuals. Also less introspective, but it’s astonishingly uplifting. The GOAT.
7-Hydroxymitragynine - Kratom was a bit ago, but this isolated compound is safe to do in higher doses without adverse effects. I assume it does, in fact, feel like an actual opiate. It’s… great, actually. I’ve not done it in about two weeks, though. It’s a favourite now. Better than kratom, but pricey.
DXM - A friend was super enthusiastic about this one. I understood it was a drug used by desperate teenagers to get high, resulting in throwing up and being a miserable time. However, as it turns out, DXM is mixed with other ingredients that are unsafe in high doses… but DXM is actually safe by itself. Duh. Anyways, it turns out it’s ridiculously easy, at this point in time, to have a long, arguably better-than-ketamine trip, under the age of 18, LEGALLY. Go find pure tablets and syrup online, it’s astonishing how easy it is.
Damiana - This cute, yellow flowering herb is popular in the US south. When smoked, it’s a pleasant, gentle time, not unlike a low dose of cannabis. It’s also brewed into non-alcoholic drinks and teas. Why do people even smoke tobacco anymore, when this has existed for ages? I honestly can’t wait until nicotine earns the Schedule I status it deserves.
Kava Kava - I haven’t ordered any, outside of a liquid shot. It reads like objectively safer and better alcohol. If it’s that good, fuck alcohol. It seems like it is.
Nitrites - Look, the gay drug! This one’s a bit hit or miss, but I’ve found out how to use them. Poppers are safer than mushrooms, as it would turn out. They’re okay.
Nitrous - From whipped cream. No noteworthy effects to speak of, and I’m not buying a whole setup to just try it once. Too much bodily harm, for what it’s worth. Fail.
LSA, Hawaiian Baby Woodrose Seeds - Utter failure. I tried for effects three different times, following instructions, and had no luck. Seeds not treated, from a widely trusted source. Oh well…
And here’s the roadmap, two weeks from now, and well beyond:
Ayahuasca - God help us all.
Changa - God help us all 2, electric boogaloo.
No, actually. Ayahuasca is an attempt at many things. I’m a therian, which is my form of spirituality, and I’d like to explore it. I have aphantasia, an inability to imagine, which is really degrading me, and I’m hoping it might be a cure. Then there’s my germophobia and ARFID, which I hope it helps with as others have. Changa is simply a harder-to-make and shorter form. A little more recreational than the absolute summit that is Ayahuasca. I dare not use a lower case name–She demands and deserves respect.
Wild Dagga - A most beautiful plant. It looks visually interesting, with a bright orange pop, and is named Lion’s Tail for its shape. I got an extract that I intend to use to supplement and potentiate cannabis with. It’s good by itself, though.
Kanna - Sometimes called “nature’s MDMA”. We’ll see about that.
Blue Lotus - Don’t know what to expect. It’s an important staple in Egyptian history.
Mugwort - This one’s an oneirogen. It potentiates lucid dreaming, which was something I tried a long time ago, and failed. Maybe this time. Could even help with aphantasia?
Ketamine - Either safer or more dangerous, better or worse, than DXM. I just want to compare apples to apples. Not in a rush, though.
Opium - Scary, but I know what I’m doing.
Mescaline/2C-B - Kind of interchangeable. Mescaline is proving to be a sourcing option, as far as legal options goes. I also just can’t find out how to work with peyote.
THCP - It’s the first specific THC compound I’ve specifically sought out, and I’ll be using it to hopefully make vape carts more viable. It’s subjectively 5-10x stronger than THC, but otherwise identical.
Amanita Muscaria - A currently legal mushroom that I can’t quite get a proper understanding of, apart from the safe dose of a single cap. Some say psychedelic, others say it’s like alcohol… I’ll be ready for anything. It’ll probably end my sober break this March.
Methaqualone - THE BIG MAN IS BACK! Where the hell do I find this one, and why is The Big Man so enthusiastic about it? Hypnotic sedative? Yay, I get sleepy? Apparently popular in South Africa, and I’ve wanted to visit. Hmm…
So I’ve done a lot of reading, and I feel like I’ve proven I know what I’m doing, even though this is my current primary interest.
7-Hydroxymitragynine
Addictive.
DXM
Causes brain damage
Nitrous
Brain damage
Mugwort
IIRC this is poisonous
Ketamine
Causes bladder problems
Opium
Problem is finding it unadulterated
Mescaline/2C-B
Mescaline is fine, but get it from one of the cactuses that produce it. Not knowing how is a skill issue, the info is out there. I grow cactuses that contain mescaline - I know how to process it but never have. Figured it’s one of my “end of the world” drugs. I’d worry about getting unadulterated 2cb online and also look what it did to Kanye. Dudes a fucking disaster.
THCP
No no no. Do not do garbage bootleg synthetic cannabinoids. Get regular weed like a normal person. If I can still get high after being a pothead for almost 20 years you have no excuse. This is just the idiocy of being young and completely disregarding danger. ALL SYNTHETIC CANNABINOIDS ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED AND ONLY EXIST BECAUSE OF THE 2018 FARM BILL LEGALIZING HEMP. A BUNCH OF REPUBLICAN DONATING CHARLATANS RUN THE COMPANIES THAT PRODUCE THESE UNTESTED SYNTHETIC CHEMICALS WHILE BLOCKING ACTUAL LEGALIZATION.
Amanita Muscaria
Poisonous mushroom used by Northern European shamans by drinking deer piss (the deer eat the mushrooms). Causes delirium and is dangerous in higher doses.
You’re extremely overconfident and undereducated. And I believe based on your obsession with drugs and mention of ARFID that you’re autistic.
Im a legalization of victimless crimes type so I believe it should legal but heavily so much so that in most cases I feel folks should not be allowed to be under the influence unless at a private residence or at a business licensed for it or in a conveyance licensed for it. I also hate how much advertising is allowed with most legalization where I feel adult things should only be allowed in adult establishments (including adult websites) and not on outside billboards or regular media and such. None of that helps with your thing though so sorry your post just wanted me to share. I guess basically if your being a productive member of society and are not under the influence in public spaces it would be fine to me honestly. Ugh just to mention another pet peeve I hate most uses of the nsfw mark anyway. Perusing any social media at work to me is like masturbating at work (to take it down a notch like watching a movie or tv show when you should be working). Probably not a good idea. I mean if its specific to your business or maybe business in general like linkedin or even slashdot if your in tech or facebook if your in marketing. Of if you need a background video then something talking about coding or ITIL or something. Then like yeah. otherwise though. common. If your not at work and the community is not specifically for kids then it should only be used for massively pornographic or graphically violent things as to me these are adult areas. If someone can’t handle tough things like drug use or suicide talk even for a bit to then close the convo or such. I dunno if they should be online at all. Even spoilers I think if some writes a spoiler is coming in their post then the person should have enough time to back off because they are reading that its coming down the line.
I’m okay with people using drugs in public as long as they aren’t a nuisance. That means:
- No smoking, vaping is fine as long as it’s low volume (try a ball vape or less strong herbs that produce minimal vapour, like damiana and salvia). I especially hate the littering from cigarettes.
- If you choose to do psychedelics, or strong edibles, or such, you accept responsibility for your actions if you become a disturbance.
- Just make sure it’s for a good reason, beyond just needing to be high to be in public.
- Don’t make a habit out of it.
My first time on mushrooms was in a restaurant. I don’t think anyone noticed. I also kind of didn’t know we were going to one. I was level headed enough to be fine with it, it wasn’t a strong dose. Never again, though. If you want to do mushrooms on a nature trail, on the other hand, all the power to you.
I agree with the NSFW argument. I just wanted to be safe.
Vaping isn’t safer than smoking, that’s a lie from big tobacco.
Vaping weed carts (especially one that’s made of synthetic cannabinoids / black martlet in an illegal state) vs smoking a joint of actual weed that’s been around forever? Joint is likely safer.
Even in legal states (and I know you’re not in one based on going after a synthetic which isn’t even available in legal states because the Republican donating charlatans don’t operate in legal states) vaping vs smoking is like drinking 12oz of vodka instead of 12oz of beer. Most distillate is around 80% THC purity (I prefer live rosin myself), most weed in dispensaries is around 15-25% THC but maxes out around 30%.
