On top of all of this job hunting bullshit, I feel like my post for rent fundraising is going at a slower pace than usual… sucks. To be fair, I did have to get two overdrafts covered, and if it weren’t for that, I’d probably be around $100 in. Usually, a few HBs come in with some really hard clutch towards the end of the month, but I always get this nagging fear where I say, “What if this is the month where I won’t be saved?” It’s a horrifying outcome to sit on and think about, no matter how familiar I get with that scary feeling, and it happens every month. It’s obviously the primary reason why I really just want to fucking get a job already so that I don’t have to live with this fear.

I also hate how it makes it so much harder to cope and just vibe. The things I usually enjoy like listening to music, composing, watching video essays, talking to buds, and whatever, they just don’t seem like I’m “allowed” to enjoy them at a certain point. I start victim blaming myself, saying, “Am I really doing everything I can in my power to get a job?”

I have resorted to things I definitely did not want to do. I hate working with animal products, yet I still applied for places like KFC and McDonalds. I have seen about shitty part-time gigs and even temporary ones to see if I can have the slightest bit of grace and some income. I have asked DeepSeek to give me “outside the box” recommendations. I really have thought about so much. I look on Google maps to see what businesses are available and if I can email them directly. On top of all of this, I have to ensure that, especially in my shitty state, they’re not going to be put off by me being androgynous and having freeform dreadlocks.

I genuinely feel clueless, and I get a headache when I think too long on the question of what could be different.

These worries about making rent, job hunting being ridiculously frustrating to a point near damn complete hopelessness, and the uncertainty of just about everything continues to be depressing. Hopefully, my birth month ends up being at least somewhat joyful. To make matters worse, I have to worry about my “family” violating boundaries and trying to reach me during the day,

I do have some job interviews coming up, but I feel like the job hunt situation puts me in a catch 22 with interviews. I need to be in a good mood, determined, and motivated to do good in a job interview, but I need to actually have hope that a place will hire me to be in a good mood, determined, and motivated in a job interview. And I’ve exhausted so much effort, energy, and preparation in job interviews only to get the highest level of disrespect imaginable in return that my mind still struggles to remain in that psychological spot of, “It’s still worth it to try your best.”