I’m in my late 20s. In the last years, I’ve moved a few times and tried out a bunch of things. And discovered I have a hard time getting close to people.
I used to think I just need to go out more. But I found out that most people I meet just don’t seem to “fit” with me.
Let’s say I meet some interesting people, who are funny, smart and have shared interests with me. We make a bit of small talk, hang out, and then I go home exhausted, feeling like I just came out of a work meeting that should have been an email. And given from how they rarely invite me back, I guess the feeling is mutual.
Someone told me I am quite cold towards people I don’t know well. Part of that might be that my usual way of talking is a bit emotionless. Another part could be a consequence of me basically going through the script in my head. “How is work these days? Cool. Yeah, me too. Yup.” I don’t want to be this way. But I also don’t want to go into full sales presentation mode, because that feels really wrong.
I used to think I would just become misanthropic. But there are people where I just click with. Talking to them is not a chore, but something I look forward to. And they seem to enjoy my company as well. Some events seem to have a lot more of “my people”, some less.
If you read my rambling until here, thanks. I genuinely don’t know any more. Am I becoming the old sod sitting on his porch yelling at kids? Or am I just spending time on the wrong people? Have you experienced something similar? And how could I change this?
Here is your problem:
It should be more on a regular basis with a focal point than just random meals. Board-gaming, glass-blowing, rock-climbing, something—what do you like or would be willing to try?
When you have another topic as the focal point of your meetup, there is less weight on you to have to purely carry the conversation nonstop. Join or start a movie-watching or hiking group, etc. There’s so much out there. Forming a new group takes a lot of sustained effort over years, but if some new additions get interested enough to help run events, it gets way easier. Accept help quickly, after some brief vetting.
I do a bunch of stuff, that’s not the problem. But, for example, last time I went hiking with a group of strangers, I just had a bad time. I didn’t talk much, I didn’t enjoy the talk, I wished I was either alone or with the (rare) friend. And I cannot really blame the people around, they were as welcoming to me as they were to anyone else.
What pisses me off most is that I wasn’t always that way. I met one of my closest friends at a hike, we just hit off. Maybe it’s a numbers game.
Oh. Yes, then it is absolutely the numbers game at work. Out of 5-10 gatherings you attend, you might strike it off with 1 person… to be just an acquaintance at first. We have to put on really thick skin, and if any certain group just isn’t working out, move on to find another; don’t try to keep hoping things will improve (I mean, they might, but it’s typically faster in my experience to just try different groups altogether).
I think you’re on the right path and just gotta keep going. Sorry that last event was discouraging, but don’t give up!