it was brushed off the first night when I kept saying let’s talk. That part hit me the most

This is the part of his behavior that concerns me as it pertains to your emotional wellbeing. It takes understanding and compassion from all partners in a relationship, and he is not extending that to you. It is those moments that I reflect on in my past relationships that I wish I had seen for what they were so much sooner. I did the same thing you are doing, focusing on the parts of my partner that were positive and using those to excuse the negative, which is what kept me locked in a difficult, dark place for years. Because real talk, even though I know now that the men I dated weren’t right for me, it’s not like they were 100% bad people. I still don’t think that. They were damaged young people in their 20s that hadn’t fully processed the trauma in their life and had, unbeknownst to even them, developed unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms that I was then stuck dealing with on the daily. And I thought, “If I just support them enough and be patient enough, they will pull through and our relationship will experience a bloom and depth that will make all the strife worth it.” That never happened, and I don’t think it ever would have happened. As long as I tolerated the dark times, they never had to push through their problems. You deserve someone who loves just as fiercely as you do, don’t accept half measures.

I’m so drained. I’m tired.

I have 100% been where you are right now. I will acknowledge that I don’t know your situation intimately and that it is your life and your call on whether or not you choose to move on. But I can tell you that when I was finally tired enough to break away, that was the beginning of a fresh new chapter for me ❤️

Take some time for yourself today. Make a nice cup of tea (or whatever is your preferred warm and cozy type of drink), listen to your favorite album (I take much solace in music, and if you need a recommend I am high-key obsessed with Pale Jay’s album Low End Love Songs), and try to remind yourself of how wonderful you are 💖

I hear you, part of life is accepting what we can’t control. If he needs to step back for his own comfort, you need to let him. Fwiw, and this is just my opinion, you are dodging a major bullet by losing him. Seeing your state of mind just reminds me how gray my past relationships were and provide even more perspective to how much happier and fulfilled I feel now, after having made the decision to choose myself (happily single for 2 years now). That’s not to say that breaking up wasn’t hard, it was agony. But I do feel reborn, and much stronger and more confident in myself.

You can do it too. You are good enough and you are strong enough 💖

I hear you, I also feel things strongly and am my own worst critic, but just remember that self-flagellation isn’t necessary.

I feel like a bad person and that I broke someone I care about so much

1. You made a mistake, but humans make mistakes. Learn from it, but don’t let it crush you
2. You DID NOT break him, I get the vibe that, like another person commented, that he’s got a strange red-pilled style kind of ideology around women and that he’s in a fucked up situation that he built for himself. That is not your fault, and even more importantly it is not your responsibility to help him fix it.

We are texting about our feelings and opinions right now

I can’t tell you what to do, but I STRONGLY suggest cutting all ties to him. I see the spiral he has put you in and nomatter what good qualities you might see in him, if he is making you hurt like this right now, it won’t get better. I tried to make excuses, or have more patience, or be more supportive, more flexible, all the bullshit for men in my past. You know what it did? They settled into a comfortable place of knowing that they could push me on something and I would back off, “because relationships are about compromise”. FUCK THAT NOISE. Listen to your heart, and recognize that he is the one responsible for your anguish right now. And I really really hope that you choose yourself over him ❤️

I’m kind of glad he hurted me at the end when I wanted to talk but he wanted to do sexual stuff because I feel used, maybe part of me thinks I’ll move past it quicker because of this?

YES, please follow this train of thought and give it some serious consideration. You have spent the last 4 days worrying about him, but when you wanted to express your concerns, what did he do? He brushed you off and wanted sex. Girl, he is just another asshole. He doesn’t care about you even a quarter as much as you seem to care about him.

If I were you, I would break things off with him and never look back. And if you are open to the idea, I would try to just be single for a while. Like, years. Get in touch with yourself, and find a way to love yourself first ❤️ ✨️

First, internet hugs 🫂

I can tell you are beating yourself up, I have the same tendency and know how easy it can be to slip into a spiral. Try to remind yourself that you are only human and to give yourself some grace ♥️

Now, please believe me when I say he is wrong to hold you accountable for the actions of others, especially since you both had talked about your intentions and he expressed that he was fine with it. The part he seemed most upset about was the pics, which is something you DID NOT solicit and is not a failing of yours.

You really, truly didn’t do anything too bad. You wanted to engage in conversations for cash, spoke with him about it, he was fine with it, and people outside of your control spun things up. It seems to me that when things happened that crossed the boundary that you both had set for this scenario, that you did the right thing and disengaged with the other person. If he still insists on holding you responsible, then he is a fool and not worth your energy.

I recognize that the feelings you have are strong, but I challenge you to try directing all that love that you have to give inward, to yourself. Treat yourself to a spa day today, get a nice lil treat, if you have a garden, either yours or a community garden, go and try to appreciate the spring blooms! The viburnum are blooming in my area and their perfume is so lovely. I can just sit there and listen to the bees hum along. Find some serenity for yourself and remind yourself that you are a worthy human being ❤️

HE hurt YOU. My heart breaks for you. He is immature and not worth your time, block him and move on with your life. It may be hard to see right now, but someone who makes you feel so terrible is not the person for you. I get the feeling that you want to be in a relationship more than you care about who that relationship is with. That is a dangerous, emotionally draining road that I want so badly for you not to go down.

You have value, you are beautiful inside and out, and love starts with you celebrating that within yourself.

Girl, I am saying this with so much love and compassion for you- any person who is worried about body count is not worth your time. Him asking alone would be enough of a red flag for me that I would be telling him we’re done if I were in your shoes. And then when he hears 5, he is sobbing? Massive red flag, I don’t care how nice he may seem, he is not mature enough to be in a relationship and you deserve better.

Sex is just a thing that two consenting adults can do, you having sex before you met him is nothing to be ashamed of, especially if you are practicing safe sex. It’s also pretty unhealthy for you to take on the burden of his shame over your sexual life. If you were able to get him to come back, I fear his jealousy and insecurity would be riddled throughout your relationship. I spent all of my 20’s in relationships with insecure men (I am a cishet woman) and I want to try to advise you against making a similar mistake. I could have been enjoying those ten years either on my own, or trying to find someone who really valued me. But instead I took on their problems and when I look back on my twenties I SO FUCKING WISH I had broken up with those men sooner (it was 2 long term relationships, one was 6 years, the other was ~3.5 years). I don’t know how old you are, but I get a young vibe and I just want you to know that you will find someone who sees your beauty and isn’t worried about such trivial things. “Forced love the worst love, throw that shit in the can.” -a line from YBN Cordae’s song Family Matters https://youtu.be/j8Xg0Y60Tr4

As for messaging people for money and some of the concerns about breaking his trust (as well as being accosted by online horndogs), the best you can do is learn from that outcome. I am not going to shit on people who sell companionship, whether that’s just chatting, pics, or otherwise, but as you have found, men online who engage in this trade are dick pic machines. My personal takeaway is that whatever money you made was not worth the stress and the damage it wrought in your personal life. I won’t, and can’t, tell you not to do it, but to me it doesn’t seem worth it.

Take care of yourself first and foremost, and know your value 💖

Yee