I am grateful that you have found things that bring you peace.

Unfortunately ADHD is in my mix, I am a serial hobby abandoner. Scuba diving, guitar, synth, piano, glass work, neon bending, painting, drawing, 3d modeling, fly tieing, I could go on. Nothing ever sticks or even feels like it moves the needle.

I’ve been in and out of therapy for almost 30 years now, CBT, EMDR, Neurofeedback, DBT, psychodynamic, I’m sure I can’t remember more. Have been seen by doctors from coast to coast here in the US.

My frustration is that everyone keeps telling me to keep trying. What’s left? I’ve asked about ECT, but my nobody wants to take a risk with my cluster of issues. They won’t even entertain a lobotomy.

At this point I’m on a handful of bullshit, including ketamine and psilocybin, just trying to alleviate something. All I get is two brief periods a week where it’s not crushing, but I’m too out of it to really enjoy it.

I appreciate the advice, I’ve been trying. I really have.

I appreciate what you are saying, and I know I am loved. I know what I deserve even.

How long is reasonable for me to wait before I give up on feeling any kind of peace? As it stands, I have 8 years before I can even consider any other options.

Started with the cutting and suicidal ideation as a teen, and now I’m in my mid 40s now. I don’t really even know if I know what it feels like to be happy. I just keep pretending everything is ok, under the surface I’m screaming for someone to put me out of my misery. Willing my heart to stop when I’m not otherwise engaged. Wishing I wouldn’t wake up every night before sleep. And all desperately knowing that would be the worst for my child. But.

When does it get to be my turn to stop hurting.