Tinder sort of just randomly sends you people after 3 days of being like “there is no one in your area”. That’s fine because in my area, it’s nothing but tradwives, country music, and fishing profiles.
I tried Veggly because a super bonus point is finding someone to chill with that is also vegan. Well, there’s like 4 people in my area on there. Sort of figured but lol anyway. There are a few more if you check like 500 miles away but not quite looking for the nomadic life just yet.
Tried Feeld, and no. Just no. I’m open to various relationship dynamics but that ain’t it.
Tried Hinge, it was mostly dead until I changed my gender back to male and put that I’m only looking for women. Feels a bit disingenuous but whatever. But again in my area, I keep getting Christian tradwives and shit.
And if you find someone that seems nice on these dumb apps, they have to like you back before they can communicate with you. But… but… you can spend $149.99 to see who liked you. Not predatory at all. Just me heading back to the dating slop machine to toss more money at it to see who likes my ugly ass.
But like I’ve seen a few that I genuinely liked but will never be able to contact since it’s all behind a paywall.
Saturday evening I matched on Tinder with 3 people. First one, said hey and they unmatched, second one I waited for them to say hey, then replied and they unmatched. 3rd one flatout ghosted me.
I got a “like” notification from a random old dude yesterday on Tinder but my profile isn’t even set for interested in men.
I redid my entire Hinge and Tinder profile like 3 times each.
On Bumble I got a like notification and actually spent $25 to see who it was. She was cute, seemed nice. So we talked a bit, she gave me her number and we talked on the phone some. We talked a bit about our own messed up lives. She had breast cancer, which isn’t a dealbreaker, she’s ND as fuck, but so am I. We went on a date. It was awkward. First her pics on Bumble were from like 15 years ago. The whole date was awkward, but towards the end we decided to go for a walk and the conversation was just about exes. Which is never a good sign. Then my ex actually fucking called me because the kids wanted to show me their Legos. That caused me to spiral all over again. So still processing the divorce. Went home and got trashed and realized that I’m not gonna be a good fit for this person that I went on the date with. She needs someone that can take care of her. I can’t even take care of myself.
I’m probably done with even trying to find someone that fits me. I’m too old to start over. This city sucks for trying to find anyone remotely close to my personality.
This shit is just fucking depressing.
Thanks for coming to my rouxTALK.
Edit: I’m buried in the comments but at work rn. I’ll try to get to the rest tonight. I honestly didn’t think this would gain much conversation since it was met to be me screaming in the void. ❤️🖤
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My dating app experience as a “conventionally attractive woman who is attracted to men” has been, getting presented with a seemingly endless stream of men, most of whom are afraid or unable to show any modicum of what they are really like (by the very nature of the medium) or make any kind of move. Those who are able to go out of their way to make dates happen (and it really is these people who stand out because it’s impossible to be proactive with that when you have one million matches) are the people who think going on one date means it time to have sex now. It’s epic.
Being attracted to men seems like a curse but then again I’m not having much luck with sapphic T4T dating, either. I don’t get invested in any match because I know they’ll just ghost me at some point, which makes actually connecting with people impossible. The only person I’ve “dated” since starting my transition was a friend that became more over time and it was great until they decided that they actually didn’t want emotional or physical intimacy (still fucking crying about that one). I’ve had a hookup with another transfem but we were so wildly incompatible that I think we were both bored (I know I was). Shit sucks all around. People are either afraid of being even a little vulnerable or just incredibly shallow and only want sex.
I also have done some t4 dating, but the straight kind, and trans guys have the same problems cis guys do, perhaps even magnified. Nobody wants to work (be emotionally vulnerable and available) anymore!! All guys born after 1994 can’t share feelings, all they know is charge they phone, have sex, be hairy, and lie!!!
At least they know how to charge they phone. My last partner lost their phone multiple times per day and never charged it anyway. It was kind of cute, though. I would find it and they would always say, “What would I do without you?” Well, I don’t know how they’re doing but I’m real fucked up without them.
Every day I wish I was aroace because then I would be free of this all-consuming desire to love and be loved.Nah the pain of loss and heartbreak is worth it for sure!! Better to have loved and lost than to have… You know… The thing!!
Me loving: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!!
Me grieving: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.
The cure for heartbreak is [unintelligible] —
This is a super relevant and kind of ironic comment. She hooked up with 2 different guys last week and I’m sitting here trying to find something casual and slow.
few things are more dystopian than seeking romance under capitalism
I just want to find a casual that shares some of my interests and digs beer, weed and horror movies on the couch as a “date”. I don’t want a subscription for that though. Shit’s too bleak.
Its fucking wild that the capitalists managed to insert themselves into our sex lives
Straight up facts. I hate this world.
I knew someone who worked for OKCupid pre-acquisition - Match basically took the model that recommended people and made sure it never recommended the most compatible people to each other, and instead prioritized recommending the profiles of users most likely to waste each others’ time to one another. The individual in question had met their partner via OKC some years prior to working there, they were disgusted and quit. Since that firm owns Tinder and most of the name brands* I’d expect them to all work about the same in that regard but with tweaks they test on the different user bases which they link across systems (*except Bumble, the re-branded Badoo after having bought that one out, and one or two others that almost nobody uses).
Nothing to add other than grab your old phones and make fake profiles, find your real one and like it! Then ghost those fake profiles. If the “algorithm” thinks you’re moderately desired as a guy but already burnt out and will just waste everyone’s time, they’ll spoonfeed you matches.
Saving this advice
I’ve been worried about online dating because of this suspicionThis gives me an idea. I’m gonna make a new Bumble account as a “good ol Christian country boy” because I filtered out all conservative options but keep getting them suggested. Maybe if I just make a “Kyle” account, I will find me a baddy lol.
granted its been like 5+ years since i was on the apps, but it sounds like the experience is roughly the same. a bunch of crap notifications to create demand for a bunch of ads, a few matches where the people/bots are asking for credit card info, a cluster of flaky ghost matches, and maybe 1-2 matches with people who seem OK but you gotta carry the conversation, their pictures are from a decade+ ago and very misrepresentative.
then we would have an awkward meal where i pay, and then i would be relieved to go home alone so i could relax.
a few random highlights from my last match, i helped someone on the first date also transport a large dining room table by strapping it to the roof of their car. they didn’t have any tie down stuff (keep ratchet straps in my car). they were getting over some respiratory thing and coughing the whole time, so we didn’t make physical contact. i saw their house though , and it was like someone had just moved out but left random garbage bags of loose junk.
anyway, they were feeling better a week later so i suggested tea somewhere near us both to have a low pressure get-to-know-each-other convo, and they countered with an invitation to a gathering at theirs (the place with no furniture) to “meet their entire polycule” of like 7 people… none of whom could help move furniture, i guess?
i thought it was like a cowardly way to wave me off, but they were insistent, enthusiastic and unprompted gave me this inside-baseball bio of the ENTIRE 'cule complete with eccentricities and prior romantic dramas. to be clear, this person and i were like almost 40 at this point.
i went ahead and called it there. sometimes i go along to get along more than i should and it’s given me a lot of amusing anecdotes in life, but at my age I’ve started saying no more easily.
tea somewhere near us both to have a low pressure get-to-know-each-other convo
This is always my ideal first date. Well coffee for me instead of tea but the principle remains the same.
I mean, I wouldn’t want to date someone that messy, but hearing all of the gossip on the rest of their polycule would be kind of a fun hangout.
I’ve already decided if I ever got into a polycule I’d probably end up just doing dishes. I’m somewhere on the ace spectrum but not completely asexual.
They were great 10 years ago before tinder ruined everything. Fuck you tinder and your algorithm based bullshit. The likelihood is there are people that match in your area but the app won’t show you cos it wants to upsell all the fees n shit and then still not show you anyone anyway. The match.com model worked perfectly.
I’m really lucky, I met my partner on OKC in like, 2015. These apps used to be worth the trouble.
OKC around 2015 was my main one. Very large queer user base at least where I was until it too became tinder and suddenly they all disappeared in favour of what I’m pretty sure were bots. It went from multiple chats a week and a few dates a month to nothing. If you were someone who got on post tinderisation I’d imagine the site would only make you feel like shit
She needs someone that can take care of her. I can’t even take care of myself.
A therapist would pick this a part but I’m not one.
Dating apps have profit incentives for you to never find love on it. All of my best and longest relationships weren’t from apps, but were they just a miracle of a broad social network and not hitting some other dating scene. That shit is dead.
I went back and forth for a while in my 20s trying to find someone and feeling this crushing loneliness and despair that I’d never find a partner and then I just stopped caring. The first few dates I got were terrible.
First one we talked for hours in a dunkin’ donuts and I think neither of us could figure out how to end the conversation so we kinda ended up arguing about politics. I burned the shit out of my tongue on the tea. Neither of us reached out after that.
Another we met and had lunch, ended up walking up and down the street window shopping and chatting, didn’t feel like a terrible experience at the time but with hindsight it was a rather awkward mess and I just wasn’t good at picking up on her subtleties.
Another one was just us chatting online for a while, she was living across the country from me and I just didn’t pick up on flirting at all so I just kinda kept talking about nerd shit and it worked for a while until my suspicions got the better of me and I just ghosted her after thinking it was a romance scam because why else would someone talk to me and keep sending unsolicited risque photos.
Last one was the one that made me give up, we started chatting, had a few common interests. We had talked about what flavor of leftism we subscribed to, I said I was ML while she said she was into market socialism. We hopped into a voice call with one another to play Stellaris multiplayer a few days later, got to like 50 years in, I snaked my borders out and destroyed the infinity machine and that upset her, 10 minutes later she just quit out of nowhere, ghosted me, and then randomly every 6 months would come back and insult me the most unrelated shit imaginable until I finally just blocked her.
I’m happy to be alone. I’ve found enjoyment in pursuing who I am and I don’t feel like I need someone else to validate that any more. Doesn’t help that every time I’ve tried to test the waters it’s so abysmally awful to even try that I have no incentive to try any more.
I have to thank dating apps for helping me realize I’m asexual. I got maybe 10 matches in 7 years of using the things. I remember talking to a friend of mine about it, and they were confused about why I got so few, since their experience was getting like dozens of matches per day.
I said something like “yeah but no one actually wants to date and fall in love, right? It’s just like a social pressure thing?” And I was quickly informed that actually the majority of people want to do romantic and sexual things of their own accord and don’t have to be begged or pushed into it. I genuinely had no idea lmao
Yes, same here (except for the match stuff. I’d probably chicken out at the first one tbh). It also sucks to crave social connection anyway.
You also figured out you’re asexual from dating apps or do you mean the pressure to date? Also hello! Ace solidarity and stuff
Both really. I was also in incel-lite spaces (the forever alone crowd), until I started to realize what they want, isn’t really what I wanted. I did of course also try dating apps, but it feels all extremely superficial and artificial. I will occasionally find someone aesthetically pleasing, but “making a move” is completely out of the question, especially because of the implications in case of success.
Being ace is the only thing that makes sense really.
I quit the apps years ago and don’t miss the experience at all. I’ll take a lot more alone time if it means not having to negotiate the dating market and give horrible companies my data and money.
Good take. I sort of wonder what the prospects are of meeting someone while organizing locally lol.
my dating app was always “date people from your job that work in different departments”
requires one hell of a lot of luck it’s cool that i rolled a nat 20 on that one
a close friend used okcupid and got a rock solid relationship out of it but the person had to move across the country for her and also it was more then 10 years ago
otherwise this shit seems dystopian
There’s only one person at work I find atractive and she’s goofy and funny and laughs at the dumbest shit I say, but she’s in a relationship. There’s another I find kinda cute but we aren’t at all comparable. We did talk weed last week so that was cool tho. There is an enby I’m trying to sus out but their way young regardless.
yeah the first thing seems to be my most common scenario too
the nat 20 was that we had both just gotten out of toxic relationships, rebounded on each other but in a good way. i even worked alongside their ex for a few months
I was extremely fortunate enough to find success on one of those apps but it took me 6 months of trying to find someone. As a vegan, heavily tattooed and pierced, far leftie 5’10” male who wears Robert Smith makeup I am automatically incompatible with like 99% of the population though.
I’ve only seen 2 “plant-based” on Tinder, and 1 straight up vegan. So like obviously not a deal breaker at this poin’t but god damn lol.
Yeah I’ll be honest I was way too lonely for veganism to be a dealbreaker for me.
I’ve had one good date from the apps, it was Hinge specifically, but I’m an awkward nerd with self esteem issues. I didn’t ghost, but I did awkwardly end things.
Since then I’ve realized that the traditional dating scenes aren’t for me and the app dating is even worse. There is something so impersonal about the apps that made the meetup more awkward than an ice-breaker at a strange bar.
Since then I’ve realized that the traditional dating scenes aren’t for me and the app dating is even worse.
That’s all there is though. What other ways are there to meet people?
To be honest I feel like I’ve lost out on the most important part of life because I didn’t date when I was younger due to mental health reasons for like 6+ years. I think I’m going to give up on even trying now, because the lack of experience is plainly obvious and anyone can pick up on it in 2seconds. I don’t think I’m capable of real human connection.
real and exactly the same situation here
It sucks because I’m craving it so desperately, but I know I’ll never know what it’s like, to be loved.
it’s worse to have them leave you
At least you have loved and lost. You know what it’s like.
during is good but i strongly prefer the time before to the time after and would gladly trade away the highs for never experiencing the low
That’s all there is though. What other ways are there to meet people?
You either play algorithms online, find a niche community where everyone lives 500 Km + apart.
Or use your time after the slog of the 40 hour work week (+ commute + the things you need to survive) to either go to clubs / classes you have to pay for 200 € + to even get into and hope you can find people there, or you apparently bond with people over shared drug consumption.
Alternatively, you can also seek people at work or perhaps an org you’re in, but that has the chance to backfire spectacularly.
Yeah, you’re right and I was very much at the same point.
I lucked out being introduced to my partner by a mutual friend. So I guess that would be an alternative, its better than the cold walk up in public, there is at least some sort of introduction made by someone you both trust.
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Good take, honestly.
die of lonliness
die of covid trying not to be alone
