Just found my password for this account again and I’m stoked. Not so stoked for the week ahead, although it’s just my own anxiety getting in the way. Big work project that needs to start Wednesday, and my partner has to drive 5 hours away with his colleagues to a work thing. I’m usually the one that drives us everywhere and, precious cargo, ya know? Hard to trust someone else driving him. Otherwise I’m trying to start biking again, did over 100 miles in the past week and I’m actually feeling like that could be what gets me back into exercising after all these years after several car accidents kept getting in the way of my recovery. Sending well wishes to everyone here, I know this timeline keeps giving all of us wtf moments every second of the day lately, but I’m practicing radical hope and kindness to myself and others as much as I can, and I think it’s helping. My wish is for you (reading this) to give yourself grace, and best of luck to you for the week ahead. You got this - one breath at a time.

Edit: following up after yesterday’s anxiety attack, I’m feeling much better and very positive, which is unnerving to juxtapose what I was going through just hours ago, but travel anxiety is real. I have a smile on my face after today! Hope is real. 🙏🏽

I am so sorry, but I need to vent, and the only person I manage to talk to has disappeared with no notice (probably just overwhelmed with life stuff but I hope they’re okay. I’m worried.)

I am in overwhelming pain. My chronic intractable pain has been so much worse lately. Probably at least partially due to stress because everything is fucked. I can’t afford my next pain medicine refill, and I’m nearly out, and the friend that disappeared usually helps me cover it. I’m disabled and can’t work and have literally no money. So I’m just fucked. Even WITH the meds, I’ve been struggling to handle the pain and it’s scary. I genuinely don’t know how I’m going to survive without any kind of pain control. Not to mention the withdrawal. I am scared. I am scared I am going to get overstimulated and overwhelmed from the pain that I go all stereotypical autistic meltdown and shutdown and bash my fists into my head and hurt myself, and I feel ashamed and weak that I can’t just deal with it like a normal person. I don’t know what to do. I’m so stressed and in pain and anxious I’m dealing with dissociation, depersonalization, derealization way more often than usual. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I’m going to survive. I don’t know. I’m fucking scared, I can’t take this pain. I’m sorry for whining and being weak especially when so many have it so much worse than me. I don’t even know if this makes sense. I can’t think 'cause I’m in too much fucking pain!!! I am scared and I am so fucked AAAAAAAAAAAA.

wondering a bit what my life would have been like if i didn’t have a pathological need to please people. maybe i should book some therapy again

Reverse bedtime procrastination is kicking my arse. I find that both choosing to go to sleep and physically getting out of bed each day are nigh-impossible.

Feeling more sane now that I’m out of the environment causing me stress, but aware of the one year timeline I have before getting put into the same environment.

There’s a lot to do. Prob need therapy— no, I know I do lol. At least I know that friends are supportive and might be willing to help me stay out of the environment, even though I haven’t told them much because these issues are still something I’m processing. I just realize that if I shut people out of my life, as rough as it is right now, the end results of losing community and support is worse.

Just can’t let my depression thoughts get to me— it’s paralyzing. But like I said, being out of the environment has definitely improved my mental health, and I feel like I have a bit more control again over my life.

I’m ok. Made a big change with my family and moved after a residence permit was approved to another country (2+ year process). Starting over isn’t the right term, maybe learning to adult? Everything is just a little different, so I find myself lost or confused on everything from the grocery store, to the market, to norms on crossing the street. It’s overwhelming.

Applying for jobs has been, well, bad like everywhere else. So much ghosting or emails that start with “Thank you for applying…” or “With over 100 candidates…” and you can take it from there.

Fucking motherfucking bowel prep bullshit.

I’ve done this before, but that was before I was always fatigued. I’m fucking exhausted after first dose and starting the next one in an hour.

Haven’t eaten in like 18 hours (I guess a cup of soup earlier counts as food, so maybe less because I had one earlier), and the appointment is in the morning (8 hours from now), which means by the time I’m ready to fall asleep, that’s when I go to the hospital.

I hate this shit.

Edit: Doesn’t help that it’s the middle of winter here and I can’t tell if I’m shivering because cold or because weakness.

Edit 2: Everything’s mostly fine, but I’m exhausted and I haven’t had this level of anxiety in years. Hopefully once I get some decent food in and a full night’s sleep, I’ll feel better.

Haven’t commented here in awhile. Week is going OK so far. Took Monday (and last Friday) off for mental health days. Was just kinda in a “blah” mood. Think it’s “emotional contagion” from listening to friends’ problems and such. Glad to do it, to be there for them, but every once in awhile, it makes me think about stuff and my own life.

But otherwise, I’m back to it. On a plus side, I get to work from home today (Thursday)! My apt complex is closing the streets to do repaving. Rather than messing around with temporarily parking my car elsewhere, I asked my supervisor and he’s like “Yup, that’s cool.” I work for the US govt, and regular telework is verboten. But here and there? It’s acceptable. Besides, it’s only the first time since February that I’ve teleworked due to a personal situation.