I have a feeling that I don’t know what to do with. Could use input of others, but not really sure what I’m looking for other than an ear. Appreciation in advance to anyone able to comment. I no longer have anyone IRL that I can go to (my fault), hence coming to internet.
I’ve been feeling defeated for months now with no reprieve. It’s gotten to a point where I think about doing something, and just don’t actually try, because I know the feeling of reward doesn’t visit anymore.
I’ve never been more isolated than I am now, and have nothing to blame but my own self-isolating behavior. But I’ve always had a hard time just connecting and feeling at ease with other people. I’m 24 now, and there is only one person I have ever fully trusted. I still do. But it’s a complicated relationship, and they’ve already done all they can for me.
They were the one who told me recently (in a kind way) that I’m the reason I’m in a position of desperate and persistent isolation, and I am the only one who can fix it. I recognize that they are right. And still, I have no will anymore. What’s the point of pushing myself to the car station & refueling just to keep driving nowhere?
I am less and less convinced of my capability to participate in basic aspects of life. What brings me peace and fulfillment is exchanging interests/experiences/ideas/etc with others, which I can’t do in isolation. I want to get married and have a kid, and that now seems practically delusional.
I used to have bursts of sociability/confidence that I leveraged, and often enough succeeded in using to meet people, socialize, etc. I’ve completely lost my optimism and my luck. I haven’t had those positive feelings for months, and most of the experiences I have had with individuals/groups during that time have been so demoralizing. It feels pointless to even try to connect anymore. Me being me seems to come off to others as obscene or obnoxious/annoying.
I want to talk to others, but I get a pit in my stomach when I think about it. Sick feeling that it will be just encounter that leaves me feeling dejected or blindsided. And I know I am objectively a poor friend, so I feel conflicted. Why subject people I like to the impossibility of really knowing me in any mutually fulfilling way?
No traumatic incidents in childhood. Shelter, nutrition, medical care all provided. I was always very sensitive, constantly cried, and never seemed to really outgrow it, but I have no legitimate reason to be or feel this way, just am. Gratitude doesn’t ease the agony at all.
Not even sure whether to ask for advice or not. I know what I need to do to solve my loneliness, and I just haven’t. There is some resistance somewhere, and the more I push and push the more I do nothing. I have the knowledge. I have the means. I have no excuses. Why don’t I just fix this already??? What is missing in me??
Please no pep talks or “tough love,” they don’t help me. Am getting psychiatric and psychological treatment. Feeling hopelessly stuck.
Edit: I am appreciative of all the responses, I don’t think I was expecting it. I will engage as much as possible, just might take a little time.
Thank you, I’d say this is in line with what I probably need to hear. I wasn’t clear on a lot of it because I didn’t feel confident anything would happen with it. I was incorrect and also unprepared.
I’m not proud of the way I’ve acted to people who have been kind or helpful in the past, especially people I am or was really close to. Your assumption re: distance/isolation is indeed applicable, though I’d say it’s more how I went about doing it that still stings.
Similar re: marriage and parenthood, it’s not about age, more that I’m not sure I’ll ever be well/stable enough to reasonably do or feel right with doing them, given how long I’ve done or felt problematic things to problematic degrees. It’s a worry I really only apply to me, my faith in other people succeeding themselves is unexpectedly high somehow/it’s not my place to decide for anyone else what is or isn’t “realistic”. I just don’t know if it’s realistic for me.
Re: metaphor/world, sigh, tell me about it
Feeling bad about how you’ve acted in the past is a good thing, it means you’ve grown since then. So even if you don’t recognize it, it means you’ve changed and improved as a person since then. This idea might be what your friend intended to expressive when they said to not focus on the past as much.
People can only change if they want to, and it sounds like you want to, so you shouldn’t give up hope on becoming the kind of person you feel you’d have to be to get marriage and have a family. The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the second best time is today. You seem to be taking those steps to improve yourself, and in a few years you’ll reflect back on how you are now and see how much you changed. Growth is hard to measure on a day to day basis. Keep up the good work you’ve obviously (to an outsider) been doing to improve.